A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world . . . Perhaps you've seen it.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.